Bright Faith

I recently experienced something about myself that I don't believe I've experienced for some time, maybe never at all.  I went "balls out" - "pedal to the metal" - "no holds barred" on a challenge that - if successful - would be life changing for me, my confidence and my belief in myself as a coach/mentor to others.

In her magnificent work, Fire Starter Sessions, Danielle Laporte talks about this in light of having BRIGHT FAITH.  She writes:

"Buddhists have a term for a particular kind of enthusiasm that happens with new ideas and events: bright faith.  This is not the bedrock kind of faith that grounds your psychology, spirituality, or devotion.  It's not the assurance/insurance kind of faith where we hope/trust that life will come through for us.  It's the Holy cow, I'm standing at the beginning of something that is so insanely ripe with potential that I wanna get naked and roll all over it right now while singing rock opera…kind of faith.  It makes you grin silly grins and do uncharacteristically impulsive and obsessive things.  Bright faith is exhilarated."

So the story is this: Marie Forleo announced a contest to win a ticket to attend her live event in New York City.  I’ve been following Marie (www.youtube.com/marieforleo) for some time – she does Marie TV every Tuesday were she posts a fun video on a variety of topics for creating a rocking business and life.  My dream is to build my own coaching business in the long-term, so attending an event like this would be hugely helpful in learning how to be an entrepreneur and networking with others.

I was with my sister, Mandi, who lives in New York and I said to her – I have to do this.  I had just shot my first video the week before – for my McNair scholars from summer camp.  I did it off the cuff, it was about five minutes and it recapped my September 1 Essentials for grad school.  I did it in the backyard with the kiddos nosing around behind me.  J  This had to be no more than one minute and I would shoot myself in Times Square.  Mandi asked if I was going to script it first and I was like, naw, I can do it just fine, can’t be that hard.  The video needed these three elements:

Where am I at in my life right now?

What’s my biggest challenge?

What does true success mean to me?

Piece of cake.  Or so I thought!  Do you know how short one minute is?  Super short!  Couple that with the fact that I’m standing in Times Square (sure there are lots of people doing lots of “different” things – such as the Naked Cowboy – so how “out of the ordinary” could I be?), and I have to be confident enough to focus on what I’m doing, ignoring folks walking by, hitting on exactly what I need/want to say and doing it perfectly all the way through – without screwing it up!  I should mention that I started shooting at about 8:30 at night on a Saturday, with a light rain/mist and tornado warning to boot (can you believe it – seriously?) for New York City.  Nice.  Of course I could have shot it the night before, but I was scared and put it off until my last night in New York.  Right.

I positioned myself against the bleachers that they have right in the middle so that I was somewhat sheltered from the rain and I could lean against something and not have my camera shake.  By backdrop looked cool and waves of people were streaming by.  I teetered between finding it highly nerve-wracking to kinda fun to really exciting.  This exercise was forcing me to be bold, do something I would never have considered doing before and articulate: ME.  What’s my vision, what’s my point of view, how do I see myself and my life?  Those are pretty hard questions.  

If I wanted to really nail it AND impress Marie and her team so that I would be selected as a winner, I had to be compelling and real.  I had to just be myself and let go of my own judgments and “perceived” judgments of others.  This was definitely new for me.  After all, it’s much easier to just hang back in what is easy, ordinary and normal.  At that particular moment, I was done living in mediocrity.  I wanted this and I wanted it really bad.

I shot from about 8:30 until 11:30 when my phone died.  I had shot nearly 40 videos and still hadn’t nailed it.  Can I tell you how many times I almost had it and then I would glance at the timer ticking away?  51 seconds, 52 seconds, 53 seconds…. I would promptly proceed to FREAK OUT about running out of time and mess it up.  Lovely. 

I was bummed.  I was starving.  I usually relaxed my last night of a conference, ordered room service and watched some TV.  Instead, I was going balls out shooting a video of myself in Times Square.  See what I mean about stepping out of my comfort zone?  I came back to my room and got something to eat.  I had a choice.  I could charge my phone and go back down and keep trying or I could go to sleep and attempt to wrap things up in the morning.  I definitely preferred having the backdrop of Times Square at night, but I was exhausted.  I did write out exactly what I wanted, or rather, had been trying to nail in my video.  But then, I basically fell asleep watching Suzy and didn’t really make a decision either way about taking my script and shooting it again.  The decision was made for me.

I woke up feeling stressed and bummed.  I hadn’t captured my video that I wanted so much to do!  I asked the front desk what time I should leave for the airport for my 11:30 flight and they told me 8:30 – it’s New York City after all.  With my type-A tendencies, I would have normally followed this advice pronto.  But, I still had a chance to get my video shot.  Sure it wouldn’t be the same with it being daylight, but it could still be cool and work.

I had organized/packed the night before (yes, thank you type-A tendencies) so that was good.  I took my script and starting shooting pieces of it in my room, timing each section.  I thought that I could take my finalized script and memorize it while I was running on the treadmill (I had to make time for that! – it’s the “new and improved Lynn” after all).  Brilliant.  Yes.

I did that and I was feeling excited again.  The problem: time was ticking and ticking FAST!  I managed to get myself back down in Times Square at about 8:20.  Not much time if I was going to leave on time.  I thought – I can leave at 9 I’ll be fine.  What?!  Now, who is that girl talking?  I was willing to push it because I really wanted this.  Now this was a new feeling/experience for me.  J

Of course when I tried to get back to my “special spot” by the bleachers, there was some major event being set up and there were about twenty cops hauling metal blockades making access to my site not an option.  Ah!  Yikers.  Nerves were surging.  I had to figure out another option.  I needed some type of shelter so that I could concentrate and focus, but I still wanted to get the awesome background with the big TV screens.  Talk about pressure.

I managed to find a “nook” alongside a building that would work.  I tried not to think about the time, about the fact that I should already be in a taxi and on my way to the airport, or all of the police officers walking back and forth behind me while I tried to nail my video.  Long story short – I shot about 15 more vids and went scampering back to my room to get my stuff at about 8:50.  I was finally in a cab and on my way at about 9:20.

As luck would have it, the traffic threw pity on me and I made it to the airport in good time.  I freaked out again upon entering and seeing the “wrap around/snaking” line just to check in and then another “wrap around/snaking” line to get through security.  Again, long story short and despite the number of people in line, I made it!  And, I did it!

I felt pretty confident that one of my final videos would work.  It helps when you script it out – Mandi was right.  It probably also helps having had the experience of shooting about 40 videos the night before!  The next day, I uploaded my video just before the 4 o’clock deadline.  Check.  I did it.

Three days later I found out that I didn’t win.  And, that’s okay.  There were about 200 entries from courageous and amazing women all around the world.  The single experience of having submitted an entry was profound enough for me.  Seriously.  I told everyone about my video.  The scholars were excited, I think Ken was highly impressed, my friends where rooting for me and hoping that I would win.  It was exciting.  And I felt something that I hadn’t before.  BRIGHT FAITH.

Danielle quotes Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg in the Fire Starter Sessions, who says, “This is a state of love-filled delight in possibilities and eager joy at the prospect of actualizing them.  Bright faith goes beyond merely claiming that possibility for oneself to immersing oneself in it…The enthusiasm, energy, and courage we need in order to leave the safe path, to stop aligning ourselves with the familiar and convenient, arise with bright faith.”  Danielle follows, “Bright faith is primal to creativity.  Bright faith is essential to falling in love – with people, with causes, with your own perfectly perfect self.  Bright faith can be unnerving, slightly embarrassing, and awkward.  We are trained to resist it, and we do so at the cost of innovation and the passion we crave.”

Since then I’ve found myself coming back to this moment and experience quite often in my mind's eye.  You know when you have a really intense or cool experience and you wish you could just savor it and continue to relive it?  This was that kind of experience for me.  I wanted to hold on to that confidence and inner excitement.  I wanted to hold on to that bright faith in myself and the universe.  I know it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s true.  It felt good.  It felt amazing.  It felt like how it should always feel when you are really, really living your true and authentic life. 

This glimpse into what is possible and this glimpse into myself is a major stepping-stone for me.  It’s a stake in the ground that says from this point forward, having this kind of bright faith in others and myself is possible.  Now, have I struggled since then?  Just writing this post has been a challenge – for what reason I’m not sure – but of course things won’t always be like this.  The key – I believe – is being able to generate this kind of feeling/experience when you are truly ready to move forward with an idea, personal growth or your vision. 

I’ll try to attend Marie’s event next year.  Between now and then, I have a lot of work to do, ideas to formulate, visions to unfold.  Having bright faith in this process and myself will only make this road that more exciting and the possibilities that more limitless.

Here is my video submission!