Where Vulnerability Leads

During a coaching session, one of our alumni scholars going into the counseling field told me about a book she is reading for class by Dr. Brene Brown called, The Gifts of Imperfection.  She thought I might enjoy it.  It's funny because I've been hearing about Dr. Brown and her work for some time, but I never took the time to actually check it out.  So I finally did.  I started by listening to her two TED talks posted HERE.  In each she talks about the "power of vulnerability" and "listening to shame."  I was moved.

I was moved because what she said feeds right into where I'm at right now in my own journey.  In the process of creating and putting my work out into the world I -- for sure -- feel vulnerable.  I think about what other people might think or say or how they might respond.  I'm constantly judging myself and telling myself that I'm not good enough or I'm not ready to be doing this work.  We talk about this with our McNair students as well.  They are setting off for graduate school and potentially becoming professors and formally entering the academy.  Do they feel ready and worthy of doing so?  Hell no!  They feel like impostors - especially once they start their graduate work.  We hear it all the time.  I talk about wanting to write more and figure out what it is that I want to express and offer to others.  Do I feel like an impostor in doing so?  Hell yes!

The thing is, I've witnessed a shift in myself over the past year.  I'm 41 now and I've been doing some really good work through the McNair program for over ten years. I'm ready to dig deeper into my potential and ideas about life.  I'm feeling more ready to express my true self and begin to put this out into the world.  While its uncomfortable (one thing I tend to avoid at all costs), it's also pretty exciting.  I'm feeling charged about what might be possible in my work and my life.  I'm feeling inspired to become more for my students and to explore where this new level of courage and openness might take me.

One of the things that happens when you start putting yourself out there is that people start reaching back.  Scary and a little weird, but really fun and it feels good. As Dr. Brown explains---it all comes down to connectivity with others.  "Connection is why we are here," she says.  The thing is, shame can begin to unravel our connection with others because we can start to feel unworthy of it.

She goes on to paint the bigger picture her work has uncovered -- through over 1,000's of pieces of data that she's collected by interviewing a ton of people in the past ten years.  When we experience feelings of shame and unworthiness we attempt to numb those feelings whether it's through food, alcohol, drugs or what not.  This starts the cycle because while these things might be able to take away the pain of feeling unworthy, they also numb any feelings we might be having of joy and happiness, etc.  The numbing process isn't discriminatory.

Dr. Brown did find people who seemed to be able to side-step this conundrum.  Her key finding is that "people who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they are worthy of love and belonging."  Dr. Brown calls these individuals the "wholehearted."  So what do these individuals do that is different from others?

• they have the courage to be imperfect
• they are compassionate towards themselves and others
• they nurture their authentic selves and connect with others through their authenticity

When they do these things, in essence, they are accepting their vulnerabilities. They fully embrace their vulnerability.  As I'm venturing out with my writing, I am absolutely feeling vulnerable.  I've been a perfectionist most of my life and pretty judgmental as well.  I'm not really sure who my authentic self is.  What's different here is as I'm becoming aware of these things, I'm starting to soften my own expectations of myself.  I'm letting go of my perfectionist tendencies and instead allowing myself to create more.  I'm digging deeper within myself to see what might surface, to see what I might want or need to say.

So when we can be okay with having flaws, be gentle with ourselves and others and let our authenticity come forward, then we can have real connections with others.  One example of this is me feeling more comfortable reaching out to others.  When I started my blog and publicly announced my intention of becoming a coach, I started looking at other people's websites.  I came across Dr. Khia Thomas and her grad school coaching site.  My immediate thought--oh, she's doing what I want to do, now I can't do that. Seriously.  Way to "jump off the cliff" as my husband, Ken, would say.

I signed up for her newsletter and followed her posts.  She's got some great content--I even directed some of my scholars to her site as a resource.  Last week I decided to email Dr. Khia and introduce myself, tell her about my work with McNair and to tell her that I really liked her site and content.  And you know what?  I received a really awesome email back suggesting that we connect our sites and perhaps even do some collaborative work.  I would love for her to post on our McNair blog and she might even interview me and get my thoughts on the grad school process for her blog.  

So here I'm feeling like I'm embracing my own strengths and confidence by choosing to reach out and connect--and it feels great!  I'm letting go of my own judgements and just going with my gut--which is telling me that it's okay to not be perfect and totally have my stuff together.  When you reach out to others chances are it will be an opportunity for growth.  Being okay with my own vulnerability leads to more opportunities to become connected with others.  I'm allowing myself to be seen--more deeply seen--and it's helping me to become more of ME.